Monday, April 7, 2014

The Blog Every 30 and Single Girl Dreams of Writing …Shines Like a Diamond

 Every little girl dreams of the day when she can write a blog to tell the world of the day she got engaged…ok, maybe that's just me, and technically blogs weren't really around when I was a kid, but you get the picture.

Now if you are a Facebook follower you may have noticed that my relationship was not publicly posted, the first reason is he is no longer on Facebook and I, myself,  think that that little relationship status change is cursed for me, so now that things are looking as solid as a diamond ring, it's time to share our story.

Chris and I have known each other for two years, although he asked me out a few times before, the timing was never right. This past October he asked me out again and at first I said no, but then I changed my mind and said yes!

A photo from a year before we started dating

On our first date, we met at Ditkas because he lives in Washington, PA, where I had some scrumptious pork chops. From there we were supposed to go to the drive in to see Carrie because it was Halloween. When we drove up to the field in the middle of the woods and to our surprise there was no one around and the screen was black. So here we are in the middle of a dark field on Halloween, trying to watch a horror movie…There was a split second where I thought this was a setup for a gruesome halloween murder (jk), we realized that the show was cancelled and decided to go to the nearest theater to catch it.

I can't remember why we went on the first date, because the original date he had asked me to was at a Penguins game. So, the next night we cheered the Pens on to victory! Let's go Pens!

And then he sent flowers to work:

And then flowers and chocolate and wine: 

The holidays came right around the corner and we both love Christmas and putting up the tree, so we decided to do it together (even his train). So altogether we put together three trees and Chris put the stars on the two biggest, I put my sloth angel on the smallest.  Chris mentioned that his family really didn't do much for Christmas, which made me sympathize and break my rule of not meeting each others families too soon. Not to mention, I definitely wanted to spend Christmas with him, so I met his family on Christmas Eve (no pressure) and he met mine on Christmas. He would have met some of mine on Christmas eve as well, but due to the Flu-Tuna's (Fortuna's) stomach virus, we decided to skip the party.  It was genuinely the calmest, most relaxing Chris-tmas.

For New Years, we decided to hit the slopes at Seven Springs!  Our only issue was a blinding white out on the north face where we were the only two people in sight within 100ft to the degree that you couldn't see the trees or posted signs ahead of you, luckily after twenty minutes we were able to jet back through the woods to catch a trail back to safety.  Other than that, we had a fabulous time, although I have gotten old and scared of skiing black diamonds (sans alcohol).

I even found it particularly hilarious to take photos with our tiny mallard!

Due to the inclement weather the winter months were spent basically hibernating with lots of video games and movies. Yes, I know, I have an awful car! That darn Miata! Our biggest thrill was trips ice skating followed up with some Bob Evan's and a lil Target shopping. I think, I knew I was in love when shopping for Kitty Litter was a delight.

Yup, winter pictures are so exciting!

With spring comes Chris's birthday. A picture from Dinner!

He loves camping, and I don't want to say I'm an indoor girl, but hiking really…really isn't my thing because I literally hiked up hills everyday in the woods growing up and consider that life*, not fun, but I decided to take him anyway cause that's what you do for the one you love.

*Note: red marker is where I lived. Intersection of Route 908 was my bus stop in high school. Not cool.

 I opted for the rustic cabins, as opposed to the modern cabin, but when we got there it totally had showers and running water, personally I was thrilled. We built a fire, but it was too cold, played some scrabble, but it was too boring and went to bed at 9:30pm. What a birthday! The next day we went hiking and ok, I did like seeing this pretty cool frozen waterfall and crawling through the muck, but don't tell him that. He really enjoyed himself until he got bitten by someone pit bull in the woods. No joke, dog just ran up and chomped his hand, not hard enough to break the skin, but hard enough to bruise. No bueno!

Oh and I let him dress me!

And more flowers: 

Back in January, my friend Michelle's sister Rachel contacted me about filming her wedding in Florida in April. I visit my old stomping grounds each year in April, so of course I was excited to go! Especially because I love my gingas! Chris got very excited at the idea of a vacation and so I invited him along for the ride. Being Chris's first time in Florida I set-up a tour de South Florida for him and in six nights we were to visit Deerfield Beach, Key West, Fort Lauderdale and Boynton.

Ahhh Florida! 
On our first full day we were destined for Key West, Florida! The shot above was where we made a stop along the way to see the beautiful waters!

Double Selfie! 
We got into Key West around 5pm and our goal was to see the sunset. In all of my times visiting, I had never made it to see the view and we ran super close to missing it again, but we made it!


This is his I made it face!
This is his sunset face
This is me looking at his sunset face. 

After the sunset he planned a special dinner at Latitudes where we got to take a boat to the private Sunset Key island. Latitudes by far had the best steak and caesar (with white anchovies…mmm) I had ever had! Seriously what ever was in that sauce, should be bottled and shipped across the country! 

I'm on a boat!

After dinner, he took me on a stroll along the beach where we pointed out constellations and smooched under the stars. Feeling so full from eating I decided to sit down on a beach lounger and he came and joined me.  After a couple minutes he turned to me and told me "I love you very much and I want to be with you forever". Then he stood me up and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him! I, of course, started balling my eyes out unable to utter out a word, so I just shook my head up and down for what seemed to be an appropriate amount of time for a yes. Then he mumbled something about the ring, but I was half in shock and he brought it out and put it on my finger. Then I began to run around in circles crying and saying "I can't see it, I can't see the ring half" crying and laughing. Finally, we made our way up to someone's porch and I got to see it. Kisses and hugs ensued and we went out to celebrate in Key West. 

There were no pictures during this so I have created this re-enactment. 

Seriously, it looked exactly like this.

And he was all...

I was all….
And that's the story folks. I would tell you more, but that is left for him and I. I am so happy to have found the most loving, caring and wonderful man that I get to spend the rest of my life with! He really is the zen to my crazy life and couldn't ask for anything more!

Two days later…. Eating chicken wings in bed.

And that's amore! 

Oh yeah…and one more thing! 

The ring!

So now my blog will take on a new life chapter. Hope you come with me on the ride : )
P.S.  I guess I'll find out who actually reads my blog when I change my status!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Dating Rules: To Pay or Not to Pay

To Pay or Not to Pay

When you first begin dating, I have no question in my mind that men should pick up the first check. Yes, the ritualistic check payment dance should happen, but men should always win the war and grab the tab.

Hey, look he sprung for the Large Fry! 

This is not because you want to take his money and leave him broke, but this is because you are a beautiful, smart woman and he should be ever so grateful to be in your presence. Oh, yeah and also it’s because there is still a significant difference in men’s and women’s salaries. So, I’m just saying, until there is salary equality, we should at least get one free meal. You’re Worth It.  Right?

Just saying….
Once, the first date is over it is time for you to re-assess the situation. My rule of thumb is to always make an offer, even if he pleasantly shoots you down. On your second date you should insist on at least paying for some portion of the date. Say your date buys the passes to the movie, you should offer to pick up the popcorn (although you may want to reconsider that because the actual movie tickets are less than the price of snacks and refreshments). But make an offer, sure, it doesn’t have to be the whole dinner bill, but at least try to pay the tip! He must be a pretty great date if you decided to go out with him again, so don’t be a complete princess, unless of course, he insists.
Better get the Big Bucket! 

Traditionally men are the providers and women are the caregivers but with more women in the workforce, some less traditional men think that all bills and tabs should be split equally.  Women, although you may beg to differ, because we have to spend quite a bit of money on hair products, makeup and clothing to impress their drooling butts and we don’t ask for any retribution.  Oh, and if you’re dating a guy whose hair products are expensive as yours ….run! This guy screams high maintenance. That also goes for his wardrobe, car and other “flashy” items. Whose attention is he trying to get anyway?

So, say this guy is keeper, what happens once you settle into a cozy little love nest, how do you manage expenses? If you are dating a traditionalist, he will continue to pay for anything and everything, so you have to find clever ways to treat him like dinners, sweet notions and great gifts. If you are dating a man hell bent on equality, then divvy it up and if you start worrying about your dwindling bank account use apps like Groupon or Living Social to help cut the costs. And finally, if you find yourself with a guy who is using your wallet like his own personal debit card, cut off his bank account and go out and get wined and dined again, cause a girls gotta eat and she gotta eat well.

Don't be afraid to indulge yourself. 

Monday, March 3, 2014

The PMS Monster

THE PMS Monster

So, yes, every month this evil monster lurches out of the dark, a horrible monster with giant fangs and a grisly, loathsome roar that can strike fear in the hearts of anyone whom crosses it’s path.  This terrifying creature is called the PMS Monster.
No matter whether you are a man, woman or child, you have come across this monster, or the dreaded the catastrophic wrath of a woman experiencing PMS.

  For all of those who have fallen victim to the PMS monster, remember, just like a werewolf on a full moon, it is temporary.  You can’t say you didn’t root on Michael J. Fox’s transformation into a hairy, scary monster basketball player, nor can you say you didn’t empathize with Fiona when she changed from gorgeous princess into the puke-green Ogre in Shrek, so why can’t the world be more on your side during this exasperating time.

Somehow each month due to hormone fluctuations, you transform from beautiful, confident woman into a drooling, growling zombie and even though the changes in your body are ten times harder on you then it is on him, he believes that you have only devised PMS as an evil plot just to make him miserable.

By Diana Zourelias

You just want to say “Yes, I made my body have go completely haywire, just so I could destroy your life.” And as you concentrate all your efforts on trying fight your bodies plunge into a weeks worth of exhaustion, irritability, memory lapses and of course the ever delightful “fat feeling” you get from retaining water, you suddenly realize that he is morphing into a PMS monster himself, but how could that be?

What you are experiencing is the latest in PMS Phonomenons, MALE-PMS. MALE-PMS stands for Male Aggravated Lapse of Empathy Pre-Menstural Syndrome. This medically “un-recognized” phenomenon is when you begin to PMS and you notice his mood and personality begins to change. He starts to act aggravated with the littlest things, he gets moody, he gets irritable because he can’t understand why you are frustrated and argumentative, so he in turn becomes a PMS Monster himself, and it’s all you can do not to fly into a rage screaming “you even had to take my PMS, didn’t you!” 

We have all been there and you are not alone. Many males have MALE-PMS, but since  this syndrome has never actually been researched or called a real illness in any medical periodical it is often misdiagnosed. Men instead are often mis-diagnosed as having the conditions of jerks or assholes instead.  If you believe like I do, maybe we can make that all change change.   MALE-PMS is real (well not-medically speaking) but it really could be and it could be treatable.  

In some actual legitimate medical mumbo-jumbo, I bring you Couvade Syndrome. Couvade syndrome is when a male experiences pregnancy-like symptoms when his partner is expecting.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Couvade Syndrome includes physical symptoms and psychological symptoms, which correlate to their partner’s hormonal changes.

Couvade Syndrome:

       “Physical symptoms. These symptoms might include nausea, heartburn, abdominal pain, bloating, appetite changes, respiratory problems, toothaches, leg cramps, backaches, and urinary or genital irritations.”
       “Psychological symptoms. These symptoms might include changes in sleeping patterns, anxiety, depression, reduced libido and restlessness.”

Not Couvade Syndrome, but still quite relevant- Picture Source-

MALE-PMS must be stopped before it gets any worse!  I am not a doctor, but I am in complete belief that MALE-PMS is an illness affecting millions of men and it should be researched further. With a little effort by doctors and researchers, I have the belief that we can relieve men of this syndrome, so we can at least have a week where you will be the one and only monster in the household. Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, doctors will try to put men on hormone regulating birth-control pills (again) to regulate “their” cycles and you can throw your hands up and release all of those little sugar pills into the air!

Now, I’m sure this research will take years of testing before they are actually able to treat it, you know with testing and whatnot, so you will have to both deal with your rather monstrous situation for awhile.  Keep in mind that men are usually oblivious to emotional cues and signs, so unless you have a red signal that lights up at the beginning of PMS, try to give him a gentle forewarning, so he can prepare himself for battle.

Perhaps, an addictive PMS Monster Smart Phone game could be created which men could play to learn how to deal with the PMS Monster. The only way to win is to feed the monster delicious treats, jewelry and massage coupons until she turns back into a gorgeous woman again while he tries to avoid those pesky irritability bubbles, but of course, just like PMS, the next level is even harder!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

In Love and Farting

In Love and Farting*

Farting is such sweet Sorrow, Can I Run till it is 'Morrow...

Ok, so we’ve all done it, that moment when it happens. A moment you wish you could die in a gas chamber, which would be so suiting to your complete and utter embarrassment.  It’s the first time a woman …gasp….farts…in front of her guy. 

Back in college, in fits of giggles, we referred to it as a “Poof” because it is much more lady-like then the word “fart”. Sound out the word fart slowly “fart” actually sounds like a fart. Poof sounds much more like the sound of fanny glitter and unicorns. Oh I Poofed! And completely disappeared in shame.

Whether you cute it up or not, that first terrible toot always happens at the most inopportune time. Say it’s when you are jumping up in his truck and as you crouch and lunge forward a little 4x4 fart jumps out. Or when you are just relaxing on the couch watching a movie, your stomach has been rumbling for hours, and you think you can hold it till the end of the movie, when the tiniest reach for popcorn turns into complete mortification. If only you hadn’t indulged in those last perfectly popped kernels!

Speaking of food, I don’t understand why women always think going out to dinner when you are first dating is a good idea.  Food, especially food from restaurants (ie added MSG), has a tendency to leave you in a precarious post-dinner situation.  This is especially true when you opt for dark leafy salads, the vegetable medley or any spinach product, which contain tons of fiber, which your grandpa takes to keep himself…ahem... regular.  You get the point, dinner should only be used for dates you want to cut short. “I’m sorry, I really had fun, however my gastrointestinal system has to be home by ten.” Or "It isn’t you…it’s my digestive tract."

So, when you let your little sparkly fart fairy escape, there are two immediate responses.  The first is letting a high-pitched nervous laugh go to seem laid back about it (you will never actually seem calm about it, but laughing is better then not laughing), or completely ignore it. This method is particularly good in the morning when your own fart actually wakes you up. If he didn’t notice you were awake at the moment your bum blurted out your musty morning whisper then keep those eyes shut for indeterminate amount of time. Also, don’t forget to rustle around in the bed a bit so the crunch in your comforter can take all the blame. Your reputation can’t be tarnished for something that happened in your "sleep" right? 

What not to do. If it is obvious that you farted, sorry “poofed”, the worst thing you can do is show that you are completely embarrassed by your snafu and hide in a closet,  a bathroom or cry and have a complete meltdown. Let him at least know you can laugh at yourself even in the most humiliating of situations.  My advice to you is Poof proud ladies. It may be embarrassing, but if he’s the one he won’t run! 

*Disclaimer: I have never farted in my entire life. This is blog is completely dedicated to women in peril looking for my advice. 

**If you have a funny girlfriend/boyfriend fart story please share it with us all in the comments below.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Valentine's Day Guide to Free Gifts for Your Guy

Valentine's Day Gift Guide and It's not What you Think:

Remember when you first started dating and you were all gushy and happy and he was all gushy and happy and now you are just going through the daily grind together, well it's time to give him the gift he really wants! Your undivided attention and affection. Now gentlemen this works both ways so please use these sweet gestures towards your woman as well. 

Photo by Florin Garoi

1. Lend Him Your Ears! 
Ok, as women we love to talk and we love to talk about ourselves. It's not our fault! We were bred to gab!  Omg shoes, omg that ignorant woman, omg my mother, OMG! I got poop on my shoes, omg important story that he isn't listening to about the significance of saving the whales, not that I will actually be proactive toward the cause anyways because I'm too busy or will move on to another topic in a day, omg….omg…  Well when you first met him you thought he was so smart and so interesting because you actually listened to what he had to say.  For one whole day, stop talking about yourself or your topics and listen to him, don't interject your opinion, don't phase out when he drones on about sports, gadgets or budget deficits (but if you do and we know you will try to phase back in gracefully without him knowing). 

2. Make him Feel like the King of his own Domain.  Whether it's telling him he is the most masculine hunk of grass-fed, organic beef you have ever seen, laughing at all his jokes (even if they aren't funny, even if you snort) or you can compliment him on how hard his job must be and that he is the smartest guy to ever work there, whatever compliment you feel like he deserves, give it to him and lay it on thick like a nice piece of black labeled bacon. Everyone loves a compliment and if you give a great one it could make his whole day. You did it when you were dating, why not now? 

3. Don't "have a headache" for a whole week. The bitter cold weather, the drudgery of work, endless shopping, cleaning and chores, the baby, the mother-in-law, even your own mother can all play a part in the creation of the infamous anti-intimacy "headache". So instead of crawling back into your comforter cocoon, why don't you steam press those sheets with some loving affection. It may seem like a lot of effort at the moment, but a little intimacy goes a long way and on average doesn't last as long as two commercial breaks that you endured during your favorite TV program. Plus it releases happiness endorphins so maybe you will wake up the next morning with a smile instead of that ever-present scowl at sunrise.

4. Stroll down memory lane. Pull out that old box of pictures or in this day in age, pull up that archived image gallery and glance through pictures that you have taken together before he got bald and you got fat, when you two happy healthy kids in love and talk about the memories that you had made. If you have a wedding DVD pop it in your player and swim through the warm bubble bath of emotions you created that day. Take the time to remember when you first fell in love.

Photo by Mike Lawrey

5.  Reconnect by Unconnecting.  Snuggle with him. Hug Him. Gaze into his eyes. Hold Hands. Turn off the TV your phone and the iPad and all of your gadgets and seriously just let you both be with each other. Yes, we know he may resist, so take it slowly. He's going to be like a baby fighting off a swaddling blanket at first, just keep patience and keep going till he's putty in your arms. Plug into one another (in more ways then one). 

So, the important thing is not to tell him you are actually giving him this gift. It is a gift! You do not need praise or approval for doing it, which is ultimately what you are doing should you choose to tell him that you have read this. So, let's just keep this article a sexy little secret between you and I. Have a great Valentine's Day! And don't forget to share/post this article on your social media pages!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

What goes up must come down. Unless it’s a toilet Seat.

What goes up must come down. Unless it's a toilet seat.

We’ve all been there as a woman. You run in the door and straight into the bathroom because you gotta go, when splash, your derriere gets thrust into frigid cold water. That’s right… he left the toilet seat up again.

The premise is easy, lift and go and then return to the starting position. Now many men will argue that putting the seat down is as much a woman’s job as a mans, but seriously guys your stream is like two centimeters wide and the circumference of  a toilet seat is around 8 inches wide.  How is it our fault that you are too lazy to aim and must put the seat up to the expand the width to 12 inches across. I mean do we have to resort back to putting Cheerios in the water?

Perhaps, there is something bigger behind the refusal to put down the seat. Men will  (almost) consistently put the cap on a tube of toothpaste, close a drawer they opened, shut a cabinet door, put the cap back on their deodorant as well as an assortment of other mundane tasks they typically excel at, but not the toilet seat. It is impossible for them to remember to properly set the seat for future use.

So maybe it’s time to look deeper into the men’s psyche to get to the real reason why they refuse to do it. Is it a matter of marking territory, which also includes the floor surrounding the toilet? Is it that during each use of said bowl, they are declaring that this is their zone and it is up to them to decide whether or not their territory should accommodate their mates?

This general territory marking can be seen anytime they have to go whether indoors or out. There is a reason there is a magazine called Field and Stream…because if men find a field they must use their stream to mark it. This doesn’t necessary limit itself to a field, but men can also be found marking their spot in many different locations such as slightly downhill on trail while skiing, on a building outside the bar, in the snow while they create spectacular yellow versions of their name or even in a flower pot leaving your daffodils to wither and die (One of my personal favorites).

So is it wrong for us as women to consistently remind men to put the seat down? Are we trying to stop something nature has deemed as part of the basic existence of being a man? Are we so evil as women to try and change the very nature of the male specimen?! 

Women your answer of course is no.  If you have ever had the delight of plunging that booty that he can’t help but try to pinch, grab and honk on a daily basis into frigid, scummy water …then you know he has to choose...down with the seat or hands off the meat.